One thing I have noticed is that I am awfully good at following my thoughts, how they arise and disperse and their origins and not becoming attached to them… However, I have realized that I am awfully bad at focusing my thoughts. I wasn’t always this way, I used to be quite good at it.
I recently began an 8-week treatment program to help manage my chronic fatigue syndrome. It is a ‘mindfulness’ course, which is right up my alley, so to speak. After the first session, last week, I realized how difficult it was for me to keep my thoughts focused. It was very interesting. We did a ‘body scan’ exercise, basically a body visualization meditation, where we slowly focused our mind on different body parts, starting with the toes, working our way up to our heads. I was surprised at how my brain reacted to this. I thought I would find it easy to be honest… but it wasn’t… But what was really surprising was how it wasn’t easy…It felt physically difficult to do, not mentally… almost painful to keep my mind focused on each body part… I realized that my brain chemistry has been affected by my condition(s) (I also suffer from sarcoidosis), to a much larger extent than I had realized previously. It was exhausting… draining… like holding up a big bag of potatoes over my head.. It was very odd, but also very illuminating. I think, just like physical exercise, that this mindfulness exercising will prove very beneficial. I think my Zen practice over the years has been much more of ‘no-mind’ practice than anything else… I need my mind back a bit I think! Lol.
This past week or so has been a very eventful one, which I may write more about in the future, but suffice to say it has been a very difficult one to manage. I think the timing of this treatment course I am on has been well placed. Not free will, not fate, but as if many compassionate bodhisattva’s have played their role in presenting it to me. In reality, it could be no other way, as we are all connected, forever throughout time, so I thank them with all my heart and I will try, try, try to guide my light with its correct function.